One year on...

It's been almost one year to the date when the last nail was hammered into the coffin of a 3 year drama that consumed my entire being for the duration of it. I shed a tear, stirred a small storm, smiled and move on with my head low and under the radar. So much has happened since then that in hindsight I realize it has been haunting me from beyond its grave with hits after hits of tsunami waves that even a light breeze still send chills down my spine, set my head spinning and my heart pumping hard even though today I finally stand a bit firmer on the ground and a bit taller than I did a year ago. I'm not gonna elaborate on what happened since most of you already know what happened.

Sometimes I like to think I get to where I am today because of my perseverance but often times I also think I'm a weakling for jumping at the smallest details that I seem to be addicted to search for. Not knowing whether it's just a storm that belongs to the tea cup or the sea, or if it's even a storm at all. My overreaction is sometimes due to the heartache that is usually associated with such experiences in life and sometimes due to my overcompensation of my gullible personality that prevents me from believing the evil side of human beings. Although I should add that the fact I overcompensate seems to mean that I am already slowing beginning to be less gullible and I'm just learning how to deal with the harsh reality of life. No kidding, I'm such a greenhouse baby, and probably still am.

That greenhouse is sometimes given and often times created by me so that I can paint a rosy picture of life and the world to cope with the troubles at home since early on and not have to deal with them like others do. And for a person of my age (still very young!!!) I've had the good fortune (??) to do just that for a long while. Running away from reality was the best thing I ever mastered. Away from the mess around me. In the end, I think I created the biggest mess for myself by running, by escaping, by turning a blind eye. I like to think that that day a year ago was when I fell from the little heaven I created for myself, cracked my wings, and started picking up the pieces I have missed.

Quite an irony for someone who loves planes and space and sincerely dreams of being an astronaut (it's no secret that I was once a geek:0)) and to go beyond this earth that I find myself doing something that couldn't have nailed my feet firmer to the ground and even home bound, literally.

5 months ago when I flew back from Sydney I cried all the way of a 9 hour flight. When I wasn't crying, I was sleeping due to exhaustion from all the crying and when I woke I started crying again. I cried so hard for the rest of the trip home until I took my contacts out, my vision was so blurred it was like looking through the eyes of a drunk (and I probably was too). I knew it was the last time for a long while that I'll have a legitimate reason to go back to Sydney, that from then on, I really have no way back but forward. I hated the idea of leaving Sydney and living in HK in what seems a very permanent sense, I still hate that but part of me made peace with it and I'm coping quite ok. I've had more than my fair chances at achieving alternative outcomes and I didn't make the best use of them, now I'm only glad I still have this great opportunity to make my life again. This time I pray for the will and determination to carry through. I made a promise to myself that I will make the best out of the time I'm here and very soon I will be back strutting down the streets of Sydney with my head held high and making it my home again.

Yes, this is a piece about me, me and me. I write this for me. I write this to remind myself of the promises I've made and to give me strengths when the road is tough. Of course I would never dare to brush aside the enormous help and support and love I have been given by my parents, my dear darling sister (she kicks ass!!!) and all the loving friends who have been by my side all along. Especially all the fiercely strong women whom I love dearly and get to keep in touch with these days by all the internet gadgets :)

I wonder why no one ever told a girl that when she moves a thousand miles away, her girlfriends are the ones she will miss the most and whose support she will rely on the most. In the spirit of an Oscar acceptance speech (which I'm beginning to feel this is like one), here are the girlfriends who have made profound impacts on my life. My sister, my best friend in the world, she's the rock of my life and I can never imagine what life would be without her. I love her so so much and don't anyone think about bullying her, I'll raise an army of one against you all :) And in alphabetical order of their first name (geez this is turning out to be a very bad Oscar-like speech LOL) Angela, Carol, Divini, Karen, Mehreen, Stella, you may not know each other but you all rock. I love you and I miss you even more.

So on this night, I'll allow myself to mourn a little of the things that have dragged me down like a bad Bold and Beautiful episode (yeah, I gotta stop watching that too I think...) in the past year, of a meaningful relationship with a wonderful person that sadly got entangled in the whole mess, that I totally screwed and deeply regret screwing it up, that in the fantasy of my delusional little mind hope will one day turn around, of the self pity and agonizing desperation I sometimes allowed myself to be trapped in. Then after this night, there's really no reason to bitch about things that are long gone and I'll not let them drag me down anymore. Or at least I'll work very hard to fake it till I make it! To act as if I have faith and faith shall be given to me. (Yes, I stole this line and I think my sister will be the only person who knows where I steal it from :P)